Showing posts with label telegrams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label telegrams. Show all posts
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
On ecards
I'm not really fond of ecards. I feel they were a thing waaaay back when the internet was still a novelty, when the average person received less than 20 emails per day, and when our needs for non-flesh social interaction wasn't covered by social media. The last ten years or so, however, whenever I receive emails that say they have ecards in them, I automatically assume they are spam.
Still. Now I'm kinda hooked at these meme cards that are flying around the interwebs. They. Are. Freakin'. Hilarious. I've probably spent hours browsing that site to find the perfect card to "send" to every person I've ever interacted with. And you'll find them. someecards.com has a card for any occasion. You want to send a thank you note to your cousin who took the blame for you when you got caught stealing sigarettes in the fifth grade? Should be there. You want a unique way of telling your neighbour you're sorry your dog bit his foot off? Pretty sure you'll find one. You want a card expressing that extra-special feeling you have for a guy you almost slept with, but as you were about to take your top off you remembered that you hadn't shaved your legs and so you made up a silly excuse and now it's all awkward? Yeah. There is a card for that.
Plus, they make the perfect blog fodder for days when you don't really have anything to write about.
Still. Now I'm kinda hooked at these meme cards that are flying around the interwebs. They. Are. Freakin'. Hilarious. I've probably spent hours browsing that site to find the perfect card to "send" to every person I've ever interacted with. And you'll find them. someecards.com has a card for any occasion. You want to send a thank you note to your cousin who took the blame for you when you got caught stealing sigarettes in the fifth grade? Should be there. You want a unique way of telling your neighbour you're sorry your dog bit his foot off? Pretty sure you'll find one. You want a card expressing that extra-special feeling you have for a guy you almost slept with, but as you were about to take your top off you remembered that you hadn't shaved your legs and so you made up a silly excuse and now it's all awkward? Yeah. There is a card for that.
Plus, they make the perfect blog fodder for days when you don't really have anything to write about.
Friday, August 6, 2010
On recycling, part three - the telegram affair
Having survived the mountain trolls, I found myself faced with some more tangible trolls these last few days of my vacation: my nephews (aged two and five) and niece (4 months). Thus I spent all day yesterday and probably the entire weekend being a storyteller, encyclopedia, mattress, television facilitator, soccer judge, tantrum distractor, pony, clown and food supplier (with an infinite help from a bunch of pirates whose ship required the five-year-old to eat all his fish for the story to continue). Basically, I'm aunt > blogger today, and thus you're getting another recycled post. Over the weekend I should be back in blog mode, though (unless I need a vacation after the vacation...)
The following was originally posted on September 3, 2009. When I visited the US state archives last fall, one of the things that made my days a little brighter was when I found unintentionally comical documents, often made funnier from the fact that they were misfiled. Below is a document that clearly was not supposed to linger among the Middle East documents...
INCOMING TELEGRAM
Classification: SECRET [blogger’s note: don’t worry – it’s been declassified. They don’t let me see the juicy stuff]
From: FRANKFURT
To: SECRETARY OF STATE
PRIORITY
[blogger’s note: What I really like about the telegrams are the CAPITAL LETTERS. Everything they say sounds very IMPORTANT. I can’t help but picture the Clark Gable-like AMBASSADOR in FRANKFURT shouting out to his PRETTY SECRETARY the words she speedily would TYPE before a PIMPLY DELIVERY BOY took the message to the TELEGRAPHIST. The AMBASSADOR would then try to figure out what UNDERWEAR his SECRETARY was or wasn’t wearing that day, while she secretly would feel pretty BUMMED that she probably would have to SLEEP WITH HIM again in order to get that PROMOTION. I am aware that I might be over-analyzing due to the CAPITAL LETTERS…]
ACTION DEPARTMENT 48 [blogger’s note: here follows a lot of technical jibberish on which stations and departments should and should not receive a copy; what the telegram is referring to (if anything) etc. For your convenience, I will skip this – also it's awfully boring to type]
BRWKAKZXWAZK. [name altered] VOLOUNTEERED PRELIMINARY THE FOLLOWING:
IN 1961 RETURNING FROM OFFICIAL TRIP FROM EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] CAUGHT SMUGGLING TO SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] A PACKAGE OF FALSE TEETH [no alterations made. Seriously!] (ABOUT 2000) [still no alterations – and you ask why I tend to laugh out loud in the researcher room?] AS FAVOUR TO COLLEAGUE. [Blogger’s note: now, here I smell something burning in the pineapple; fish in the suitcase; fudge in the bathwater – who would smuggle false teeth for a colleague? And what did this colleague need 2000 teeth for? Last I checked a grown human being only had 32 permanent teeth, though I do acknowledge that evolution may have come a long way since the 1960s. People may have needed more teeth back then, false or otherwise. Still… Fishy? With dill sauce all over it.] UNDER DETENTION ARREST FOR 4 MONTHS, HOWEVER, RELEASED AND REINSTATED TO FORMER RANK AND FORMER POSITION [IN – the annoying thing about telegrams is that they cut words that don’t significantly alter the meaning. It’s chat speak from back when “chat” was a cat in French] SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE AIR FORCE.
CLAIMS ESCAPE MOTIVATION BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON ANTI-COMMUNIST CONVICTION. ABOVE INFO FROM XXX [abbreviation altered], WHERE BRWKAKZXWAZK UNDERGOING ROUTINE BONA FIDES PROCESSING.
[Blogger’s note: since one technically isn’t supposed to misuse the documents of the archive, I figured a little anonymity couldn’t hurt. Secondly, this is also a precaution in case the deputy in Frankfurt – chances are the actual ambassador was away at some cocktail party and definitely did not send this himself – really did have an affair with his secretary. Sometimes it takes an over-active imagination to be spot-on… Finally, I figured that BRWKAKZXWAZK actually could still be alive. He could be someone’s father. Or grandfather. Or dentist.]
The following was originally posted on September 3, 2009. When I visited the US state archives last fall, one of the things that made my days a little brighter was when I found unintentionally comical documents, often made funnier from the fact that they were misfiled. Below is a document that clearly was not supposed to linger among the Middle East documents...
INCOMING TELEGRAM
Classification: SECRET [blogger’s note: don’t worry – it’s been declassified. They don’t let me see the juicy stuff]
From: FRANKFURT
To: SECRETARY OF STATE
PRIORITY
[blogger’s note: What I really like about the telegrams are the CAPITAL LETTERS. Everything they say sounds very IMPORTANT. I can’t help but picture the Clark Gable-like AMBASSADOR in FRANKFURT shouting out to his PRETTY SECRETARY the words she speedily would TYPE before a PIMPLY DELIVERY BOY took the message to the TELEGRAPHIST. The AMBASSADOR would then try to figure out what UNDERWEAR his SECRETARY was or wasn’t wearing that day, while she secretly would feel pretty BUMMED that she probably would have to SLEEP WITH HIM again in order to get that PROMOTION. I am aware that I might be over-analyzing due to the CAPITAL LETTERS…]
ACTION DEPARTMENT 48 [blogger’s note: here follows a lot of technical jibberish on which stations and departments should and should not receive a copy; what the telegram is referring to (if anything) etc. For your convenience, I will skip this – also it's awfully boring to type]
BRWKAKZXWAZK. [name altered] VOLOUNTEERED PRELIMINARY THE FOLLOWING:
IN 1961 RETURNING FROM OFFICIAL TRIP FROM EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] CAUGHT SMUGGLING TO SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] A PACKAGE OF FALSE TEETH [no alterations made. Seriously!] (ABOUT 2000) [still no alterations – and you ask why I tend to laugh out loud in the researcher room?] AS FAVOUR TO COLLEAGUE. [Blogger’s note: now, here I smell something burning in the pineapple; fish in the suitcase; fudge in the bathwater – who would smuggle false teeth for a colleague? And what did this colleague need 2000 teeth for? Last I checked a grown human being only had 32 permanent teeth, though I do acknowledge that evolution may have come a long way since the 1960s. People may have needed more teeth back then, false or otherwise. Still… Fishy? With dill sauce all over it.] UNDER DETENTION ARREST FOR 4 MONTHS, HOWEVER, RELEASED AND REINSTATED TO FORMER RANK AND FORMER POSITION [IN – the annoying thing about telegrams is that they cut words that don’t significantly alter the meaning. It’s chat speak from back when “chat” was a cat in French] SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE AIR FORCE.
CLAIMS ESCAPE MOTIVATION BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON ANTI-COMMUNIST CONVICTION. ABOVE INFO FROM XXX [abbreviation altered], WHERE BRWKAKZXWAZK UNDERGOING ROUTINE BONA FIDES PROCESSING.
LAKES [name altered]
[Blogger’s note: since one technically isn’t supposed to misuse the documents of the archive, I figured a little anonymity couldn’t hurt. Secondly, this is also a precaution in case the deputy in Frankfurt – chances are the actual ambassador was away at some cocktail party and definitely did not send this himself – really did have an affair with his secretary. Sometimes it takes an over-active imagination to be spot-on… Finally, I figured that BRWKAKZXWAZK actually could still be alive. He could be someone’s father. Or grandfather. Or dentist.]
Thursday, October 1, 2009
On blogging about nothing
Oh, my great Digression – I have nothing to blog about today!
No funky telegrams have been found; no odd weather phenomena have struck me to the ground; no language related craziness has come in my way lately (though it did take me a while to figure out what the plural of phenomenon was, since Phenomena to me only is a YA fantasy series I reluctantly sell to teenagers or their moms every now and then back home).
I suppose I could write about how my throat all of a sudden feels sore and how I hope it isn’t the swine flu, or any other kind of flu, for that matter – but I feel that this has been done (and it is more of a Facebook status update kind of thing anyway). I could write about the lady in the office next to mine who has the annoying habit of putting a question mark at the end of every sentence? But then again, I already did use that as a Facebook status update? (Plus I think it would be annoying to write an entire blog filled with question marks?)
There is always the possibility of writing a book review, but I’ve never been very good at that – I tend to be overly afraid of giving away anything, which is all nice and cotton candy, but it doesn’t make for a good book review if you can’t say zilch about what happens in the book. Besides, I’m in the middle of a book at the moment (Going Bovine, which is highly entertaining, though I suspect tears towards the end), and the previous book I read has already been mentioned in this blog – and even though Pandora in the Congo was an interesting book that I’d highly recommend if you’re looking for a good, but not necessarily mainstream read, I’m not sure it’s entitled to both an anecdote and a review within a couple of weeks.
Since I only have one month left in the US now, I ought to take the opportunity to write page up and page down on all the American oddities I find, or the cultural differences that sooner or later surely will send me straight into cultural shock. However, I find that the differences can either be overcome easily, or they are not that big in the first place. Or maybe I’m just awesomely superior at adapting? Either way, the biggest challenge isn’t the difference in culture, but the fact that my friends and family are far away. And who wants to read a blog where I complain about missing those at home, eh? I could spice it up with how I am not sure if I like or dislike the fact that soup comes in cans rather than “mix-with-water-powder-packs” here; or how I have discovered that I really hate that the cashier packs your groceries for you – it takes FOREVER; but again, I don’t think it makes a great blog. It makes boring blog. Boring blog bad.
My very last idea is to find a random picture from my personal archive (it’s called “the Internet” – haha – kidding… I try to use my own pictures whenever possible, but every now and then I find my own set of images just doesn’t cover it – if I for some reason should need a picture of a cucumber, it would be a lot easier to try to find one online instead of going to the store, buy a cucumber, take it home, take a picture, upload it to my computer and from there to my blog. Too much work. Wow – I almost forgot that I still was inside a parenthesis there). I could do that. But the first very random picture I found was the one below, and frankly, there’s not all that much to say about good, old Axil of Evil (other than that he was the result of what an already corrupted mind did to a frequent typo back when I was writing about North Korea and not the Middle East. We love them conflicts, don’t we?).
No funky telegrams have been found; no odd weather phenomena have struck me to the ground; no language related craziness has come in my way lately (though it did take me a while to figure out what the plural of phenomenon was, since Phenomena to me only is a YA fantasy series I reluctantly sell to teenagers or their moms every now and then back home).
I suppose I could write about how my throat all of a sudden feels sore and how I hope it isn’t the swine flu, or any other kind of flu, for that matter – but I feel that this has been done (and it is more of a Facebook status update kind of thing anyway). I could write about the lady in the office next to mine who has the annoying habit of putting a question mark at the end of every sentence? But then again, I already did use that as a Facebook status update? (Plus I think it would be annoying to write an entire blog filled with question marks?)
There is always the possibility of writing a book review, but I’ve never been very good at that – I tend to be overly afraid of giving away anything, which is all nice and cotton candy, but it doesn’t make for a good book review if you can’t say zilch about what happens in the book. Besides, I’m in the middle of a book at the moment (Going Bovine, which is highly entertaining, though I suspect tears towards the end), and the previous book I read has already been mentioned in this blog – and even though Pandora in the Congo was an interesting book that I’d highly recommend if you’re looking for a good, but not necessarily mainstream read, I’m not sure it’s entitled to both an anecdote and a review within a couple of weeks.
Since I only have one month left in the US now, I ought to take the opportunity to write page up and page down on all the American oddities I find, or the cultural differences that sooner or later surely will send me straight into cultural shock. However, I find that the differences can either be overcome easily, or they are not that big in the first place. Or maybe I’m just awesomely superior at adapting? Either way, the biggest challenge isn’t the difference in culture, but the fact that my friends and family are far away. And who wants to read a blog where I complain about missing those at home, eh? I could spice it up with how I am not sure if I like or dislike the fact that soup comes in cans rather than “mix-with-water-powder-packs” here; or how I have discovered that I really hate that the cashier packs your groceries for you – it takes FOREVER; but again, I don’t think it makes a great blog. It makes boring blog. Boring blog bad.
My very last idea is to find a random picture from my personal archive (it’s called “the Internet” – haha – kidding… I try to use my own pictures whenever possible, but every now and then I find my own set of images just doesn’t cover it – if I for some reason should need a picture of a cucumber, it would be a lot easier to try to find one online instead of going to the store, buy a cucumber, take it home, take a picture, upload it to my computer and from there to my blog. Too much work. Wow – I almost forgot that I still was inside a parenthesis there). I could do that. But the first very random picture I found was the one below, and frankly, there’s not all that much to say about good, old Axil of Evil (other than that he was the result of what an already corrupted mind did to a frequent typo back when I was writing about North Korea and not the Middle East. We love them conflicts, don’t we?).
So, to conclude, I am very sorry, but I have absolutely nothing to blog about today.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
On deciphering codes
I recently came across another apparent misfile in my misguided attempts to find some missing pieces explaining the missing peace in that miserable conflict in the Missle East. This time, however, I made no mistake – rather than misestimating that the document was put in my archive box as a result of a misunderstanding – I realized it was not misplaced at all. The document was put there for me to find, and it was written in code. Allow me, dear friends, to decipher the code, so that you too can enjoy the deep and meaningful message it conveys.
INCOMING TELEGRAM
From: EL CAPITALO [name altered]
Date: JANUARY 15, 1964
TOWN [name altered] FISHING CONFERENCE [the first clue – obviously something is fishy here.]
IN UNATTRIBUTED ARTICLE DATELINED TOWN [name altered] THIS MORNING’S ARRIBA [coconut drinks and suggestive music] STATES CONFERENCE CONSIDERING ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] COMPROMISE PROPOSAL UNDER WHICH FISHING LIMITS SHOULD BE EXTENDED TO TWELVE MILES [I smell a red herring], EXCEPT FOR TRADITIONAL FISHING NATIONS OF NORTH SEA WATERS WHO COULD CONTINUE FISH [slap] IN WATERS 6 TO 12 MILES FROM SHORE, WITH ADDITIONAL TRANSITIONAL PROVISO THAT THEY COULD ALSO FISH [slap] FOR AS YET UNSPECIFIED PERIOD IN 3 TO 6 MILE ZONE. [If there was any doubt – the message really conveyed here will be absolutely clear if you take the second letter in every word of the previous paragraph, eliminate every third of these and shift the remaining ones around a bit. You will then get something very close to this: “NN is too Snhufu or Nihex for a hidden secret”. Fishy? That’s what I thought…]
THIS PROPOSAL, DESCRIBED AS COMPROMISE BETWEEN ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE, WAFFLE [name altered] (ON BEHALF OF UNION OF FROG EATERS AND LEDERHOSEN WEARERS [name altered]) AND PORTUGEESE [name altered] PROPOSALS, SAID TO HAVE ADVANTAGE OF EXCLUDING EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered], SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] AND EVEN LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE (IN FACT ALMOST NOT EVIL AT ALL) [name altered] FISHING IN COASTAL WATERS. ARRIBA [fruity drinks for all once you’ve finished the coconut one] STATES PROPOSAL LIKELY BE SUPPORTED BY AMONG OTHERS, PORTUGUEESE, ISLAND NEXT TO ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] AND EL BULLFIGHTING PARADISO [name altered], WHILE SCANDINAVIANS [name not altered!], WHO HAVE ALSO EXTENDED LMITS TO 12 MILES, ARE UNLIKELY AGREE” REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHEC [sic] ISLAND ON OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE WILL ACCEPT PARTIAL ACCORD WITHOUT SCANDINAVIANS.
If you’re still a little unsure what the actual covert message was, let me say it in plain Telegram:
TELEGRAMS ARE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS ONLY, REPEAT ONLY, TO ANNOY RESEARCHERS WHO HAS TO READ A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM 50 YEARS AFTER THEY WERE FIRST WRITTEN STOP THIS HAS UNTIL NOW BEEN A WELL HIDDEN SECRET REVEALED ONLY TO DIPLOMATS AND HEADS OF STATE AND THE OCCASIONAL EUNUCH STOP THE CHOSEN ONE TO DISCOVER AND DISCLOSE THE SECRET, HOWEVER, IS APPROACHING STOP SHE WILL BE BORN WHEN THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES – NO WAIT – THAT IS ANOTHER PROPHECY STOP SHE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH BECAUSE IT BEARS HER MARK [Scandinavia, duh!] AND SHE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK IT TO THE WORLD STOP TOO BAD THERE ARE ONLY 17 PEOPLE FOLLOWING HER BLOG FULL STOP
INCOMING TELEGRAM
From: EL CAPITALO [name altered]
Date: JANUARY 15, 1964
TOWN [name altered] FISHING CONFERENCE [the first clue – obviously something is fishy here.]
IN UNATTRIBUTED ARTICLE DATELINED TOWN [name altered] THIS MORNING’S ARRIBA [coconut drinks and suggestive music] STATES CONFERENCE CONSIDERING ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] COMPROMISE PROPOSAL UNDER WHICH FISHING LIMITS SHOULD BE EXTENDED TO TWELVE MILES [I smell a red herring], EXCEPT FOR TRADITIONAL FISHING NATIONS OF NORTH SEA WATERS WHO COULD CONTINUE FISH [slap] IN WATERS 6 TO 12 MILES FROM SHORE, WITH ADDITIONAL TRANSITIONAL PROVISO THAT THEY COULD ALSO FISH [slap] FOR AS YET UNSPECIFIED PERIOD IN 3 TO 6 MILE ZONE. [If there was any doubt – the message really conveyed here will be absolutely clear if you take the second letter in every word of the previous paragraph, eliminate every third of these and shift the remaining ones around a bit. You will then get something very close to this: “NN is too Snhufu or Nihex for a hidden secret”. Fishy? That’s what I thought…]
THIS PROPOSAL, DESCRIBED AS COMPROMISE BETWEEN ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE, WAFFLE [name altered] (ON BEHALF OF UNION OF FROG EATERS AND LEDERHOSEN WEARERS [name altered]) AND PORTUGEESE [name altered] PROPOSALS, SAID TO HAVE ADVANTAGE OF EXCLUDING EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered], SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] AND EVEN LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE (IN FACT ALMOST NOT EVIL AT ALL) [name altered] FISHING IN COASTAL WATERS. ARRIBA [fruity drinks for all once you’ve finished the coconut one] STATES PROPOSAL LIKELY BE SUPPORTED BY AMONG OTHERS, PORTUGUEESE, ISLAND NEXT TO ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] AND EL BULLFIGHTING PARADISO [name altered], WHILE SCANDINAVIANS [name not altered!], WHO HAVE ALSO EXTENDED LMITS TO 12 MILES, ARE UNLIKELY AGREE” REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHEC [sic] ISLAND ON OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE WILL ACCEPT PARTIAL ACCORD WITHOUT SCANDINAVIANS.
WARDWOOD [name altered]
If you’re still a little unsure what the actual covert message was, let me say it in plain Telegram:
TELEGRAMS ARE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS ONLY, REPEAT ONLY, TO ANNOY RESEARCHERS WHO HAS TO READ A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM 50 YEARS AFTER THEY WERE FIRST WRITTEN STOP THIS HAS UNTIL NOW BEEN A WELL HIDDEN SECRET REVEALED ONLY TO DIPLOMATS AND HEADS OF STATE AND THE OCCASIONAL EUNUCH STOP THE CHOSEN ONE TO DISCOVER AND DISCLOSE THE SECRET, HOWEVER, IS APPROACHING STOP SHE WILL BE BORN WHEN THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES – NO WAIT – THAT IS ANOTHER PROPHECY STOP SHE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH BECAUSE IT BEARS HER MARK [Scandinavia, duh!] AND SHE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK IT TO THE WORLD STOP TOO BAD THERE ARE ONLY 17 PEOPLE FOLLOWING HER BLOG FULL STOP
Thursday, September 3, 2009
On telegrams
The following is a digression from the archives – one I did not initiate – but I did discover it (amongst papers on the Middle East. Probably a misfile. Probably I should have notified the staff. But as it’s positively going to give the next researcher a good laugh too, I thought I should pretend I never saw it. And post it here instead).
INCOMING TELEGRAM
Classification: SECRET [blogger’s note: don’t worry – it’s been declassified. They don’t let me see the juicy stuff]
From: FRANKFURT
To: SECRETARY OF STATE
PRIORITY
[blogger’s note: What I really like about the telegrams are the CAPITAL LETTERS. Everything they say sounds very IMPORTANT. I can’t help but picture the Clark Gable-like AMBASSADOR in FRANKFURT shouting out to his PRETTY SECRETARY the words she speedily would TYPE before a PIMPLY DELIVERY BOY took the message to the TELEGRAPHIST. The AMBASSADOR would then try to figure out what UNDERWEAR his SECRETARY was or wasn’t wearing that day, while she secretly would feel pretty BUMMED that she probably would have to SLEEP WITH HIM again in order to get that PROMOTION. I am aware that I might be over-analyzing due to the CAPITAL LETTERS…]
ACTION DEPARTMENT 48 [blogger’s note: here follows a lot of technical jibberish on which stations and departments should and should not receive a copy; what the telegram is referring to (if anything) etc. For your convenience, I will skip this – also it's awfully boring to type]
BRWKAKZXWAZK. [name altered] VOLOUNTEERED PRELIMINARY THE FOLLOWING:
IN 1961 RETURNING FROM OFFICIAL TRIP FROM EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] CAUGHT SMUGGLING TO SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] A PACKAGE OF FALSE TEETH [no alterations made. Seriously!] (ABOUT 2000) [still no alterations – and you ask why I tend to laugh out loud in the researcher room?] AS FAVOUR TO COLLEAGUE. [Blogger’s note: now, here I smell something burning in the pineapple; fish in the suitcase; fudge in the bathwater – who would smuggle false teeth for a colleague? And what did this colleague need 2000 teeth for? Last I checked a grown human being only had 32 permanent teeth, though I do acknowledge that evolution may have come a long way since the 1960s. People may have needed more teeth back then, false or otherwise. Still… Fishy? With dill sauce all over it.] UNDER DETENTION ARREST FOR 4 MONTHS, HOWEVER, RELEASED AND REINSTATED TO FORMER RANK AND FORMER POSITION [IN – the annoying thing about telegrams is that they cut words that don’t significantly alter the meaning. It’s chat speak from back when “chat” was a cat in French] SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE AIR FORCE.
CLAIMS ESCAPE MOTIVATION BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON ANTI-COMMUNIST CONVICTION. ABOVE INFO FROM XXX [abbreviation altered], WHERE BRWKAKZXWAZK UNDERGOING ROUTINE BONA FIDES PROCESSING.
[Blogger’s note: since one technically isn’t supposed to misuse the documents of the archive, I figured a little anonymity couldn’t hurt. Secondly, this is also a precaution in case the deputy in Frankfurt – chances are the actual ambassador was away at some cocktail party and definitely did not send this himself – really did have an affair with his secretary. Sometimes it takes an over-active imagination to be spot-on… Finally, I figured that BRWKAKZXWAZK actually could still be alive. He could be someone’s father. Or grandfather. Or dentist.]
INCOMING TELEGRAM
Classification: SECRET [blogger’s note: don’t worry – it’s been declassified. They don’t let me see the juicy stuff]
From: FRANKFURT
To: SECRETARY OF STATE
PRIORITY
[blogger’s note: What I really like about the telegrams are the CAPITAL LETTERS. Everything they say sounds very IMPORTANT. I can’t help but picture the Clark Gable-like AMBASSADOR in FRANKFURT shouting out to his PRETTY SECRETARY the words she speedily would TYPE before a PIMPLY DELIVERY BOY took the message to the TELEGRAPHIST. The AMBASSADOR would then try to figure out what UNDERWEAR his SECRETARY was or wasn’t wearing that day, while she secretly would feel pretty BUMMED that she probably would have to SLEEP WITH HIM again in order to get that PROMOTION. I am aware that I might be over-analyzing due to the CAPITAL LETTERS…]
ACTION DEPARTMENT 48 [blogger’s note: here follows a lot of technical jibberish on which stations and departments should and should not receive a copy; what the telegram is referring to (if anything) etc. For your convenience, I will skip this – also it's awfully boring to type]
BRWKAKZXWAZK. [name altered] VOLOUNTEERED PRELIMINARY THE FOLLOWING:
IN 1961 RETURNING FROM OFFICIAL TRIP FROM EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] CAUGHT SMUGGLING TO SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] A PACKAGE OF FALSE TEETH [no alterations made. Seriously!] (ABOUT 2000) [still no alterations – and you ask why I tend to laugh out loud in the researcher room?] AS FAVOUR TO COLLEAGUE. [Blogger’s note: now, here I smell something burning in the pineapple; fish in the suitcase; fudge in the bathwater – who would smuggle false teeth for a colleague? And what did this colleague need 2000 teeth for? Last I checked a grown human being only had 32 permanent teeth, though I do acknowledge that evolution may have come a long way since the 1960s. People may have needed more teeth back then, false or otherwise. Still… Fishy? With dill sauce all over it.] UNDER DETENTION ARREST FOR 4 MONTHS, HOWEVER, RELEASED AND REINSTATED TO FORMER RANK AND FORMER POSITION [IN – the annoying thing about telegrams is that they cut words that don’t significantly alter the meaning. It’s chat speak from back when “chat” was a cat in French] SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE AIR FORCE.
CLAIMS ESCAPE MOTIVATION BASED EXCLUSIVELY ON ANTI-COMMUNIST CONVICTION. ABOVE INFO FROM XXX [abbreviation altered], WHERE BRWKAKZXWAZK UNDERGOING ROUTINE BONA FIDES PROCESSING.
LAKES [name altered]
[Blogger’s note: since one technically isn’t supposed to misuse the documents of the archive, I figured a little anonymity couldn’t hurt. Secondly, this is also a precaution in case the deputy in Frankfurt – chances are the actual ambassador was away at some cocktail party and definitely did not send this himself – really did have an affair with his secretary. Sometimes it takes an over-active imagination to be spot-on… Finally, I figured that BRWKAKZXWAZK actually could still be alive. He could be someone’s father. Or grandfather. Or dentist.]
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