On wanting badly to smack a deserving soul in the face but realizing it would not serve the intended purpose (but nevertheless feel good)

Certain people make me turn into this guy:

(And I'm not talking about John)

On pictures and words

If 1 picture > 1000 words, could you watch 473 pictures and say you've read The Lord of the Rings?

Could you take 50 snapshots, and claim to have "won" NaNoWriMo? 

Could you query an agent, pretending that you only took 80 pictures, while you actually sneaked (sorry, Tami, snuck) an additional 12 into the album?

I think not. Though sometimes a picture is worth quite a lot of words. Like this one: 

By my count, it is worth 179 words. 

You'll have to swing by Burrowers, Books & (today more than ever) Balderdash to find out which words. 

On bloodvampiresthoughneverbuffythinglikelovetwilightwerewolvesprobablytrue

I am so confused. I have never been a fang-girl, but since vampires have been hard to avoid these last few years, I haven’t managed to escape them entirely.

I watched Buffy when I was growing up, and I sort of liked it. I didn’t *l♥ve* it like some of my friends, but I enjoyed it. Mostly because of the girl power message, and more importantly, I adored Spike and the quirky relationship between him and Buffy. 

When Twilight became a thing, I deliberately stayed away. Especially because one of the first people to tell me about these books confessed she was in love with Edward. I wanted to tap her shoulder and tell her that not only was he dead, and sort of creepy, but he was also fictional. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy her delusion, though…

However much I loved to hate Twilight, I caved this summer. I watched the first two movies in shameful solitude, and I was talked into seeing the third in a theatre with friends (which was sort of fun, because we kept laughing at unintentional jokes. This probably was more fun for us than for those who were there because they actually wanted to see the movie, though…). 

I first heard of True Blood through a friend who loves fantasy literature and movies. Thus I never really took much notice of it, because she tells me about a lot of books and shows that never really become a thing (and that definitely isn't my kind of thing). This one became one, though. I haven’t read the books (I’ve looked at them, but they didn’t strike my fancy), but I have watched the show, and I love it. Not for the vampires per se, but because of the feel of it. That swampy, creepy, clammy, vintage, Southern, sexy feel of it. The music, the lighting, the actors (“Hallå, Alexander Skarsgård!”), and sure – the vampire thing too. But mostly because the vampire stigma is used as a clever parallel to real life discrimination. The poster shown during the opening credits says it all: “God hates fangs”. Doesn’t that sound oddly familiar? If True Blood can help even a little bit to raise awareness or make someone reconsider their prejudices, it's all good in my book. 

However, there is a problem with all this vampirety we're dodging on a daily basis. 

I am getting my mythology all messed up. I can’t keep True Blood vampires from the Twilight ones. I keep thinking that Buffy taught me that vampires can be killed with a wooden stake and then they turn to dust, but in Twilight they break like porcelain (what’s that all about?) and then you set fire to them. In True Blood there appears to be several methods, but they ain't dead 'till they turn into mushy goo.

Also, as far as I can remember vampires aren’t supposed to be able to go out in daylight. In Twilight this is just a myth – they can and they do, they just don’t do it in public because then their skin sparkles. (Basically, the Twilight vampires are sparkly porcelain figurines, yes?) In True Blood they can, for a little while, but direct sun will burn their skin (however, a taste of human blood will heal them quickly). Also, they get nose bleeds if they don’t sleep during the day. Edward never sleeps, but that is probably because he is afraid to mess up his make-up. It must be tiring to wear those yellow contact lenses 24/7, though.

As for werewolves… Vampires = cold, werewolves = warm appears to be a universal truth. Everything else, however, is different from one fictional universe to the next. In Twilight werewolves never wear shirts. In True Blood they dress like bikers. In Buffy they still transform only when there is a full moon (hello, isn’t that common were-lore?), but both Meyer and Harris has their furry friends transform at will. 

Basically all the inconsistencies make me worried. How will I know how to react if I meet a real vampire? How can I be sure if the vampire is of the turn to dust/goo/porcelain variety? Will garlic work at all or will he then offer to cook? (And if he does - do I accept?) How about a cross? Or a silver bullet? The way this is going, the vampire will probably kill me before I even have time to ask for his autograph...

And yes. I got the title for this post from a Wordle. If you want to read it again but disapprove of the way I have arranged the words, I can recommend the picture below:

On fangs

On confessions to a vampire

Dear Edward,


I am not in love with you. I know this must be shocking, considering all the letters your are receiving from teenage girls (and their mothers – out of curiosity, do you still consider them cougars even though you technically are at least fifty years their senior?) around the world. I am willing to bet that a good half of them start exactly like this letter, though without the “not”.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that unlike the rest of the world I don’t hate Bella (this may also have something to do with that first sentence of this letter, come to think of it). All the nasty things about how she has no backbone and how it is incomprehensible that so many boys fall for her and how her hair looks bad (hello, humid weather up there in Foggyville! Duh!) is lost on me. Give her a break – Bella isn’t so bad. She’s been through a lot, and if she wants to be a complete weirdo and not indulge in the BFF-ness that randomly and incomprehensibly is being offered her from all the cool kids at that high school of yours, I’m gonna say she’s got the right to do that. I even get why you fell for her, even though that may have seemed kind of random too. You can’t read her mind. Fair enough. Must be tiring for a guy to go around having people’s thoughts thrown in your face all the time anyway. She gives you peace of mind (ha – good one if I may say so myself).

What surprises me about her, though, is what in the world made her fall for you. No offense, mister, but you’re not actually all that hot. I mean, porcelain skin that sparkles in sunlight, spiky hair and cry-rimmed eyes – it may sound hot, but only if you’re living in Madame Toussaud’s alternative universe. And I’m not. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Cedric Diggory of the Harry Potter movies? That really bothered me all through the movie. But then I remembered that Diggory didn’t have this weird “I’m failing at sounding American so I’ll just go for Eastern European instead”-accent.

Also, you’ve got a seriously freaky personality. I mean, nothing to attract a girl than to look like you’re about to barf the first time you see her, right? And what’s with showing off all the time? I mean, the flying is pretty cool, but aside from that it just gets creepy. Sneaking into her bedroom to watch her sleep? Man, don’t DO that! And the part about following her? I guess it was nice if you from hindering her from being barfed at by those very drunk guys (just remember not to do so yourself), but it does make you seem kind of possessive. Chill, man!

Basically, I think the whole love affair is a bit unmotivated. But hey, who am I to talk – I watched the entire first movie without falling in love with you, so I clearly don’t know what I am talking about.

Hope you’re still eternally in love and all that!

Cruella

PS – if I didn’t know it would totally be a losing game I would sooo be on Team Jacob!