I am not in love with you. I know this must be shocking, considering all the letters your are receiving from teenage girls (and their mothers – out of curiosity, do you still consider them cougars even though you technically are at least fifty years their senior?) around the world. I am willing to bet that a good half of them start exactly like this letter, though without the “not”.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that unlike the rest of the world I don’t hate Bella (this may also have something to do with that first sentence of this letter, come to think of it). All the nasty things about how she has no backbone and how it is incomprehensible that so many boys fall for her and how her hair looks bad (hello, humid weather up there in Foggyville! Duh!) is lost on me. Give her a break – Bella isn’t so bad. She’s been through a lot, and if she wants to be a complete weirdo and not indulge in the BFF-ness that randomly and incomprehensibly is being offered her from all the cool kids at that high school of yours, I’m gonna say she’s got the right to do that. I even get why you fell for her, even though that may have seemed kind of random too. You can’t read her mind. Fair enough. Must be tiring for a guy to go around having people’s thoughts thrown in your face all the time anyway. She gives you peace of mind (ha – good one if I may say so myself).
What surprises me about her, though, is what in the world made her fall for you. No offense, mister, but you’re not actually all that hot. I mean, porcelain skin that sparkles in sunlight, spiky hair and cry-rimmed eyes – it may sound hot, but only if you’re living in Madame Toussaud’s alternative universe. And I’m not. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Cedric Diggory of the Harry Potter movies? That really bothered me all through the movie. But then I remembered that Diggory didn’t have this weird “I’m failing at sounding American so I’ll just go for Eastern European instead”-accent.
Also, you’ve got a seriously freaky personality. I mean, nothing to attract a girl than to look like you’re about to barf the first time you see her, right? And what’s with showing off all the time? I mean, the flying is pretty cool, but aside from that it just gets creepy. Sneaking into her bedroom to watch her sleep? Man, don’t DO that! And the part about following her? I guess it was nice if you from hindering her from being barfed at by those very drunk guys (just remember not to do so yourself), but it does make you seem kind of possessive. Chill, man!
Basically, I think the whole love affair is a bit unmotivated. But hey, who am I to talk – I watched the entire first movie without falling in love with you, so I clearly don’t know what I am talking about.
Hope you’re still eternally in love and all that!
PS – if I didn’t know it would totally be a losing game I would sooo be on Team Jacob!