Tuesday, July 20, 2010

On confessions to a vampire

Dear Edward,

I am not in love with you. I know this must be shocking, considering all the letters your are receiving from teenage girls (and their mothers – out of curiosity, do you still consider them cougars even though you technically are at least fifty years their senior?) around the world. I am willing to bet that a good half of them start exactly like this letter, though without the “not”.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that unlike the rest of the world I don’t hate Bella (this may also have something to do with that first sentence of this letter, come to think of it). All the nasty things about how she has no backbone and how it is incomprehensible that so many boys fall for her and how her hair looks bad (hello, humid weather up there in Foggyville! Duh!) is lost on me. Give her a break – Bella isn’t so bad. She’s been through a lot, and if she wants to be a complete weirdo and not indulge in the BFF-ness that randomly and incomprehensibly is being offered her from all the cool kids at that high school of yours, I’m gonna say she’s got the right to do that. I even get why you fell for her, even though that may have seemed kind of random too. You can’t read her mind. Fair enough. Must be tiring for a guy to go around having people’s thoughts thrown in your face all the time anyway. She gives you peace of mind (ha – good one if I may say so myself).

What surprises me about her, though, is what in the world made her fall for you. No offense, mister, but you’re not actually all that hot. I mean, porcelain skin that sparkles in sunlight, spiky hair and cry-rimmed eyes – it may sound hot, but only if you’re living in Madame Toussaud’s alternative universe. And I’m not. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Cedric Diggory of the Harry Potter movies? That really bothered me all through the movie. But then I remembered that Diggory didn’t have this weird “I’m failing at sounding American so I’ll just go for Eastern European instead”-accent.

Also, you’ve got a seriously freaky personality. I mean, nothing to attract a girl than to look like you’re about to barf the first time you see her, right? And what’s with showing off all the time? I mean, the flying is pretty cool, but aside from that it just gets creepy. Sneaking into her bedroom to watch her sleep? Man, don’t DO that! And the part about following her? I guess it was nice if you from hindering her from being barfed at by those very drunk guys (just remember not to do so yourself), but it does make you seem kind of possessive. Chill, man!

Basically, I think the whole love affair is a bit unmotivated. But hey, who am I to talk – I watched the entire first movie without falling in love with you, so I clearly don’t know what I am talking about.

Hope you’re still eternally in love and all that!


PS – if I didn’t know it would totally be a losing game I would sooo be on Team Jacob!


welcome to my world of poetry said...

A most interesting letter, which was good to read. pleasure to do so.


Marjorie said...

You know that I actually really enjoy Twilight. Team Jacob? Blech. I'm not hot and bothered over a fictional character either. Robert Pattinson himself though? Yeah he's beautiful if you ask me. I thought his American accent was really good.

Anonymous said...

I think Edward's personality would best be described as stalkerish. He really is quite creepy and controlling at times. I don't get it myself and I can't imagine what girl in real life would fall for the guy who would pull her car engine apart to stop her going somewhere.

M.J. Nicholls said...

Bwahahaha! Well said.

I too sent a letter to Edward, of the unrequited love kind. I find his pectorals adorable.

Nicole MacDonald said...

I LOVE YOU!!!! :)

and give me a nice hot blooded male anyday, I have bad circulation as it is! Last thing I wanna do is cuddle up to a frigid-being ;p

Powdered Toast Man said...

This had nothing to do with giraffes...lol

Summer said...

Ha, I'm with you! The Edward in the books was okay, and the Jacob in the books was a whiny bitch; the Edward in the movies was horribly creepy and unattractive, and the Jacob in the movies definitely made me sit up and take notice, even if he is still jailbait...

RosieC said...

Hahaha! “I’m failing at sounding American so I’ll just go for Eastern European instead-accent." Haha! Love it!

If the first movie could have made anyone excited for him/them, then they had no taste in film already. I love Edward (not in the creepy-I'm-old-enough-to-be-your-mother-and-your-granddaughter way, but in the minor-swoon-from-afar way), and did before the movies. And I love Rob Pattinson, and I have since at least HP. I do prefer the native isle accent, though.

I have to agree with Summer, though, on Jacob. Whiny puppy in the books turned pantable jailbait. I've never in my life wishes so hard to be 17 again! :)

LTM said...

LOL! :D good stuff, CC~

I actually *did* like the characters in the books, but the movies are KILLING them for me. Must stop going to the movies... ;p

Cruella Collett said...

Yvonne - thank you :)

Marjorie - sorry, I hope I didn't offend anyone too much... I realize that the movies are grossly different from the books (but I just cna't bring myself to read them - I'm just not a vampire kind of girl, you know?)
As for the accent - you would know better than me, of course, but there were a couple of places were I really cringed. Probably mostly because I expected to hear his British roots through the American accent, but still... *cringes*

cassandrajade - exactly! And a really OLD stalker (okay, the old part is relative, but still). Stalker!

Mark - I hope I didn't unintentionally plagiarize your letter... Though I didn't mention pectorals at all... (I am more than a little intrigued that you did in yours, though. Is this something I have read a long time ago and just forgotten, or is this something I didn't read at all?)

Nicole - uhm, ah, okay... You know, the normal thing to do if you really loved me would be to fly into my bedroom at night and watch me sleep. On second thoughts, that would be more than a little weird... (love you too!) I hear you on the icicle in bed thing. Brrrr!

Powdered Toast Man - have I deceived you? This would belong under the "digression" part of this blog... Now that you mention it, though, I wonder if there are vampire giraffes..?

Summer - isn't he legal by now? Besides, completely different rules apply to werewolves... ;)

Rosie - I'm thinking that a lot of my issues with the Edward/Bella relationship and Edward in general indeed would have been different had I actually read the books. But it's a lot more fun this way ;)

Cruella Collett said...

Leigh - looks like we cross posted (or rather, I kept the comment window up for too long, since I made dinner in between replying...).
Yeah, movies can do that to characters. A darned shame. And I know I know I know I'm not doing the whole Twilight phenomenon justice by only watching the movies, but I just can't bring myself to read the books when everything about them is screaming to me "You will not like this!". I know A LOT of other people love these books, but I really don't think I will. I'll just have to continue living in my delusion ;)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Now that's funny!

K A B L O O E Y said...

Since you posted about it, this is the closest I've ever come to actually giving a damn about the whole Twilight Mega-thing.

Cruella Collett said...

Alex - glad to have amused :)

Kablooey - you are my HERO! You have managed to duck the whole mania? How did you do it? I need to know, so that I can be prepared for the next big thing. It might be impossible love between young girls and amphibians for all we know, so if there's a way to escape it you owe it to the world to share your secret!

Anonymous said...

Haha, thanks for the laugh. And the interesting question you posed about whether mothers the world over who are in love with Edward would be considered cougars. :)

Lynda Young said...

I had a good laugh at this letter to Ed. The only thing he has going for him is sparkly skin (I like things that sparkle)

Cruella Collett said...

Amanda - yeah, I still want to know that! Cougar or not cougar?

Lynda - I sometimes like things that sparkle too, but generally we are talking earrings or fireworks. Skin? Not so much....

Related Posts with Thumbnails