Sunday, October 16, 2011

On frogs and smartphones and tomato soup and automatic cameras

I'm confused. Why can't you just come out and SAY IT? Whatever it is??

Frogs are cute. Not real frogs. They are - slimy. Or at the very least they look like they are slimy. I'd put that "they look slimy", but that isn't accurate, because that implies that I can actually see some slime. Which I can't. I'm simply assuming it. Not that I've seen that many frogs. And of the ones I've seen, many of them have been so small that their possible sliminess is difficult to determine without touching them. I'm NOT doing that. Eugh. What if they ARE slimy, eh? So yeahno. No touching. No kissing. Kissing a frog - I don't know if the prospect of finding a prince at the other end of the kiss would be enough to initiate one, really. Especially if there is slime involved.

Besides. Princes. Bah. Unless they are able to say things as they are, I'm not that interested.

Smartphones are not very smart. They are tricksy, perhaps. Tricking us into being far more mobile and online and available than we actually want. They make all sorts of information available at the touch of a finger tip. But that's not smart. It's convenient. It's fast. It's fun - at least for a while. But it's not smart. Smart - smart is the invention of the wheel. Or a spork (the spoon-fork hybrid, and not the lesser known water-pig. Long story). Or cleaning windows with vinegar. Now that is smart. A phone that has no keyboard and whose fancy thingamabobs are so time-consuming you don't have any time left in your day to actually do cool stuff? Not smart.

Besides. Phones. And people who use them. Or don't use them. Bah.

Tomato soup is really neat, y'all. It's made of tomatoes. And it's a soup. You can totally eat it. You can totally make it, even. If you use canned and crushed and skinned tomatoes, a grated carrot, some garlic and olive oil, and then a touch of salt and pepper (plus whatever herbs you fancy), it's even quite healthy - as you have complete control of what you put in your mouth. Not a bad idea.

Also not a bad idea - to have control over what you let out of your mouth. Like clear-cut, non-confusing messages. That would be as awesome as automatic cameras.

"Smile!" FLASH!

And yet they somehow always manage to catch you with you eyes closed, or just as you were about to say something, leaving your face all distorted and funny and not in a good way. They leave your face looking as though you were waiting for someone to say something, but then they didn't, and thus it was left hanging in the air, making you both feel a little awkward. And then you end up wondering what in the world they want from you, and then they stick the picture in your passport and there you are. Every single time you enter a new country, you have to look a mixture of confused, annoyed and heartbroken for them to believe it's you.

So maybe, just maybe, you can just say it as it is, instead of talking about frogs or smartphones or tomato soup or automatic cameras, yes? No?

5 comments:

Carole Anne Carr said...

Couldn't agree more! Happens to me...

Jan Morrison said...

I know you don't want to hear this, but frogs aren't slimy. They just aren't. But everything else you said is soooooo true. Now I'm going to make tomato soup. love ya!

Kelly said...

The only frogs I think are cute (and will pick up) are those teeny, tiny little toads that you can balance on the very tip of your finger. Now THEY are cute!!

Hart Johnson said...

In defense of frogs: I like them. I might love them. They indicate SPRING is truly here to stay... the little tadpoles transforming into 5 months of sunshine. I like toads too. Toads are like little garden surprises reminding you that nature is better than you. And frogs are so HAPPY! They HOP! And they swim the way we swim when we are PLAYING rather than being serious. I'd totally be a frog.

I don't care if they look slimy. In reality, they are just a little cold. Amphibians are, typically. Their little feet are so strange against your hand. I've caught many, usually so I could show my kids before they got away.

sue said...

and smart phones are only smart if they decide to connect to the nearest tower without having a hissy fit and crossing their arms and sticking out their tongue and going "thbbbt" and dying ... just like that ... hrmph ...

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