On 351

This is my three-hundred-and-fifty-first post.

I know.

What a number.

Why is it that we only celebrate certain numbers? Why is 60 a "better" birthday than 61, or 59?

Why should I celebrate 350 posts, but forego 351?

The simple reason I'm doing the opposite isn't my conviction that any number can and should be celebrated. It's that I didn't pay attention. I didn't realize I'd written 350 posts. "Written." Some of them are just pictures. But then others are lengthy as (relatively short) novels.

Yet. 351. That is a lot of posts. A lot of words I organized into a certain order, and then decided fit for a wider audience than my own two eyes.

I've gone through many phases of blogging. The enthusiastic beginner. The too-soon confident veteran at two months of daily posting. The resigned, yet optimistic "my original task and purpose of blogging is gone - now what?" The hiatus. The gradual normalization of "everyday life" posts. The random. The random random. Another hiatus. Acceptance of my own limitations. Begrudgingly going on, despite insecurity in the motivation-, relevance- and audience departments.

At 351 I have a sober view on what I can and wish to accomplish with this blog. I take no interest in the popularity-part of blogging. I publish these posts, so obviously I don't mind people reading them, but I am not advertising them. In fact, don't read it. I don't mind. Mind. I mind a lot of things, but whether or not you read my blog isn't really one of them. At least not if you don't read it... 351 posts after I started, I still feel funny about finding out that people I know - in real life-know - are reading my blog. I don't speak about blogging unless forced into a corner. And then only until I can think of a change of topic.

I'm currently in the market for jobs. This blog is - despite the pseudonym - tied to my name. Google me, and it's hit number three. Again - I don't mind. I accept it. But I also don't feel completely comfortable with it. If a potential employer googles me, they will find this blog. If they bother reading it, they might learn certain things about me. Things I (again) don't mind people knowing, but I also wouldn't mind them not knowing. None of these are bad things. But they are slightly different things from the key qualities I try to promote as the part of me I prefer letting people know first. By reading this blog, you are entering my world through a side door traditionally reserved for people that know me quite well.

It's funny, really. 351 posts portraying a version of myself I frequently avoid showing at all. My creativity - a well-kept secret for most. My desires to use this creativity, preferably writing, more actively - definitely a well-kept secret. For almost everyone. Or at least I like to think so. People who do know me well, and who also read this blog, claim the two personas aren't that different. I suppose I, in my feeble attempts to protect what I consider private, in real life assume I have more control over what I share than what I really do. (I do apologize for that sentence. It is overly complicated, I know. You might want to go back and read it again, now that you've come this far.) Here, in writing, online, I can control everything - of course - but I have voluntarily given up control. In reality the end result might be the same: hello, meet me.

So. Through 351 posts you have been given the opportunity to get to know me. I'm willing to wager than no one has read all 351. That's okay. Chances are you didn't miss any key lessons in Cruella 101 by skipping a post here and there. Chances are you didn't miss any key lessons if you missed most of those posts either. It's up to you whether you want to go back and find out. I don't mind. I also don't mind if you choose to stick around for the next 351. I hope I will.