Dear future employer (because there really is no doubt you will hire me after I have made you aware of the following),
I can proudly announce that I am applying for a position in your company. I do realize that you have not announced any openings, but I have no worries that you will rethink this once I enlighten you on the unique and extremely useful competence I possess.
It is a fact that most jobs consist of doing one thing, and one thing alone: What most jobs is all about (unless you are a male lingerie photographer or a female chocolate tester) is doing endless amounts of things you do not want to do. Now, if there is anything six years at the university have trained me for, it is doing things I do not want to do.
I do not find it particularly rewarding going through endless amounts of pointless sources for my pointless master thesis. The few glimpses of unpointlessness are too rare and too short to give much if any satisfaction. I also do not find it rewarding to spend time writing nonsense in an attempt to make sense out of all the pointlessness. I do, occasionally, find it slightly rewarding to post random status updates to Facebook, but I realize this only in a very limited way can be said to be linked to my studies.
And yet I force myself to stray off Facebook every now and then.
I have spent hours after hours on leafing through documents by people whose names I cannot keep apart (mostly Johnson or Johnston). These people were sending each other letters and telegrams and airgrams and memos (they must have had poor email access in the 1950s) about more or less significant topics, topics that occasionally are related to the topic of my thesis. I have spent even more time trying to make sense of these documents, and to write about them. I have even spent time trying to make the text I write seem relevant and plausible and professional. Definitely not something I like to do (I am more of a parentheses and italics kind of gal, after all).
Therefore you should, without hesitation, hire me immediately. Preferably for a well-paid job. Let us be honest – I will not glow with enthusiasm for the work I perform in your company. But I will do it nonetheless. Because this is the most important lesson I have learned from my expensive education: Life is all about doing things you do not feel like doing. So if you do not feel like hiring me after this inspirational note, that actually implies all the more that you should.
Your future (reluctant) employee