Sunday, February 28, 2010

On how to make me angry

If you, for whatever reason, one day have the urge to make me extremely angry, I will provide you with the tutorial right now. Because that is how nice I am.

There are very few things in this world that make me more irrationally angry that not being able to sleep at night. This is especially true if I can’t sleep because of an external factor. If I can’t sleep at night because I have too much on my mind, I get frustrated, but not angry. If I can’t sleep because I’ve drunk too much coffee, I feel stupid, but I don’t get angry. But if I can’t sleep at night because someone or something outside of my control is keeping me awake, then I get very, very, very angry. A friend recently introduced me to the following image: “On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how angry are you?” When kept awake like described above, I would be Chris Brown with PMS.

It seems clear then, if you want to make me angry, the tactic is given: keep me awake at night. Now, a few helpful details. See, if I am kept awake without having fallen asleep at all, I will be angry, but not Chris Brown angry (I’d be more Charlie Sheen). In order to cause a total melt-down, what you need to do is to allow me to fall asleep, wake me up again, and then make sure I stay awake. This is the key to make me really, really angry.

One way, which hypothetically might make me angry, is if you make sure I am sound asleep in my bed – which happens to be located in the living room/kitchen – before you abruptly rip me out of my peaceful state by, say, cooking. You can do this at, for instance, 4.30 in the morning. When I say cooking, I don’t just mean make a sandwich – if you really want to make me angry I suggest using stronger means. Turn the light on, which together with the noises from the pots and pans slammed onto the stove will wake me up. It is then recommended to continue cooking until absolutely sure that I am not only awake, but that I also will not be able to go back to sleep for an hour and a half. By when it’s almost time to get up anyway.

Be warned, however, when I get angry, I will retort. In the above strictly hypothetical scenario, my reaction might be the following: I might get up in a godlessly early hour, just to make sure I can do onto you as you did to me. I may make sure to slam all the doors I encounter. I could potentially be inclined to do my best to wake you up because I know 8 am is “early” to you the way 4.30 am is “late” to me.

Seeing as you in this scenario were trying to make me angry, you would of course not have done the dishes. My guess if this situation ever was to occur (which I again must emphasize is entirely theoretical) I would be torn between doing the dishes myself and thus “make a good example”, or not doing them and “get even”. Chances are I will settle for a compromise. I will only do the part of the dishes that most decisively are mine, and I will do so loudly, because I know there is very little as annoying as being awaken by noises from the kitchen.

And then I might write an angry blog about it.

Currently listening to: “Englestøv” by Folk & Røvere
Currently reading: Good to be God by Tibor Fischer


M.J. Nicholls said...

I would be permanently angry if I slept in (or near) my kitchen. Though having a midnight snack without getting out of bed is tempting. I'm coming over tonight for a pie at 3.18 a.m. Get the knives out.

PS.. Tibor Fischer is smacktastic.

Mason Canyon said...

Not being able to sleep is a very good reason to get angry.

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