Wednesday, December 9, 2009

On VIP visits (part two)

Dear Mr. Smith,

First of all, let me offer my sincerest apologies on behalf of my countrymen. If you by any chance should have happened to read a Norwegian newspaper lately, it must have been annoying to say the least. They have been packed with speculations about a countryman of yours and his upcoming visit to Oslo, while virtually no one seems to care that you are visiting too. And unlike this other guy, you are bringing your entire family; you are staying several days (as opposed to 26 hours); and I am sure you’d never be as selfish as to turn down an offer to lunch with the king just because you had a country to rule. You know the importance of royalty – after all, they call you the Prince of Bel-Air!

Frankly, I think it’s unfair and a little disgusting that your visit has been overshadowed like this. No Norwegian companies have made advertisement campaigns asking if you want a cup of coffee. They aren’t welding manholes for your safety. And your arrival to the country was barely mentioned in one of the major online newspapers, while his surely will attract every journalist in the country. I know. It’s terribly unfair!

I know it must be a small consolation, but I can assure you that you’ve been famous here a lot longer than him. We’ve been busting aliens and hip-hopped with you for close to two decades, while we only got to know him a couple of years ago. He might be a smooth talker, but I bet there are more kids in this country able to recite the lyrics to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” than there are those knowing the words of any of his speeches.

Finally, I thought I’d warn you that the police has made a bunch of security recommendations for the next few days – again it’s mostly because of this other guy visiting, but I’m sure it’s also partly so that you will feel a little safer as well. You can find the complete list here, but there is one in particular I thought I’d mention. “Don’t walk on the roof of any building close to the President [the other guy].” Now, I don’t know if this is something you do on a regular basis, but I recently saw a movie of yours where you were not only walking on the roof of buildings; you were throwing cars around, and flying, and generally causing a lot of havoc. This will probably be considered “suspicious behavior” by the police force here, so I’d recommend to try to avoid things like that until you’re back home where you’re more familiar with the rules. It would be a total bummer if you in addition to being ignored because of some random guy were to be arrested due to strange, foreign rules.

By the way, our weather doesn’t always suck this bad – I recommend June. I wish someone would have told you about that before you booked your flights and everything. Perhaps they also should have told you about this other guy coming here at the same time as you.

Anyway – despite everything – welcome to Oslo!

Yours truly,
Cruella Collett

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