Tuesday, September 22, 2009

On deciphering codes

I recently came across another apparent misfile in my misguided attempts to find some missing pieces explaining the missing peace in that miserable conflict in the Missle East. This time, however, I made no mistake – rather than misestimating that the document was put in my archive box as a result of a misunderstanding – I realized it was not misplaced at all. The document was put there for me to find, and it was written in code. Allow me, dear friends, to decipher the code, so that you too can enjoy the deep and meaningful message it conveys.


INCOMING TELEGRAM

From: EL CAPITALO [name altered]

Date: JANUARY 15, 1964

TOWN [name altered] FISHING CONFERENCE [the first clue – obviously something is fishy here.]

IN UNATTRIBUTED ARTICLE DATELINED TOWN [name altered] THIS MORNING’S ARRIBA [coconut drinks and suggestive music] STATES CONFERENCE CONSIDERING ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] COMPROMISE PROPOSAL UNDER WHICH FISHING LIMITS SHOULD BE EXTENDED TO TWELVE MILES [I smell a red herring], EXCEPT FOR TRADITIONAL FISHING NATIONS OF NORTH SEA WATERS WHO COULD CONTINUE FISH [slap] IN WATERS 6 TO 12 MILES FROM SHORE, WITH ADDITIONAL TRANSITIONAL PROVISO THAT THEY COULD ALSO FISH [slap] FOR AS YET UNSPECIFIED PERIOD IN 3 TO 6 MILE ZONE. [If there was any doubt – the message really conveyed here will be absolutely clear if you take the second letter in every word of the previous paragraph, eliminate every third of these and shift the remaining ones around a bit. You will then get something very close to this: “NN is too Snhufu or Nihex for a hidden secret”. Fishy? That’s what I thought…]

THIS PROPOSAL, DESCRIBED AS COMPROMISE BETWEEN ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE, WAFFLE [name altered] (ON BEHALF OF UNION OF FROG EATERS AND LEDERHOSEN WEARERS [name altered]) AND PORTUGEESE [name altered] PROPOSALS, SAID TO HAVE ADVANTAGE OF EXCLUDING EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered], SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE [name altered] AND EVEN LESS EVIL COMMUNIST STATE (IN FACT ALMOST NOT EVIL AT ALL) [name altered] FISHING IN COASTAL WATERS. ARRIBA [fruity drinks for all once you’ve finished the coconut one] STATES PROPOSAL LIKELY BE SUPPORTED BY AMONG OTHERS, PORTUGUEESE, ISLAND NEXT TO ISLAND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE [name altered] AND EL BULLFIGHTING PARADISO [name altered], WHILE SCANDINAVIANS [name not altered!], WHO HAVE ALSO EXTENDED LMITS TO 12 MILES, ARE UNLIKELY AGREE” REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHEC [sic] ISLAND ON OUTSKIRTS OF EUROPE WILL ACCEPT PARTIAL ACCORD WITHOUT SCANDINAVIANS.

WARDWOOD [name altered]



If you’re still a little unsure what the actual covert message was, let me say it in plain Telegram:

TELEGRAMS ARE WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS ONLY, REPEAT ONLY, TO ANNOY RESEARCHERS WHO HAS TO READ A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM 50 YEARS AFTER THEY WERE FIRST WRITTEN STOP THIS HAS UNTIL NOW BEEN A WELL HIDDEN SECRET REVEALED ONLY TO DIPLOMATS AND HEADS OF STATE AND THE OCCASIONAL EUNUCH STOP THE CHOSEN ONE TO DISCOVER AND DISCLOSE THE SECRET, HOWEVER, IS APPROACHING STOP SHE WILL BE BORN WHEN THE SEVENTH MONTH DIES – NO WAIT – THAT IS ANOTHER PROPHECY STOP SHE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH BECAUSE IT BEARS HER MARK [Scandinavia, duh!] AND SHE WILL NOT HESITATE TO SPEAK IT TO THE WORLD STOP TOO BAD THERE ARE ONLY 17 PEOPLE FOLLOWING HER BLOG FULL STOP

5 comments:

Watery Tart said...

*dies*

VERY FISHY INDEED STOP FISHING IS CLEARLY CODE FOR ILLICIT ACTIVITIES INVOLVING PUDDING STOP NUDIST WORLD DOMINATION TOUR ACHIEVING TOUR DE FORCE PROPORTIONS AND IN NEED OF FISHIES TO SLAP CABANA BOYS INTO PLACE FULL STOP

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness you have a handle on these obscure and deceivingly innocuous telegrams, otherwise these insidious plans may never be brought to light, and me to tears of laughter!.

Good luck, Chosen One!



Courtney, again, also known as She-Who-Can't-Attribute-Comments-Correctly!

Cruella Collett said...

Tami - *SNORT* ;)

She-Who-Can't-Attribute-Comments-Correctly - I am glad you share my view on the importance of revealing these hidden messages. It is good to know I am not alone. Even Harry needed his friends.

hopelessbratt said...

Bwahaha! but wait, no fruity drinks for the chosen one?
Perhaps there was a lost portion describing the rewards of being the chosen one where in the drink remarks were to be left un-deciphered for your viewing pleasure?

Cruella Collett said...

Oh, fruity drinks for everyone! I don't need no codes to grant me that! ;)

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